When I'm at work in a meeting, I'm thinking about being at home with my family. When I'm with my family, I'm thinking of when my kids go to bed so I can have some time to myself. That time to myself leaves me desperately bored and unfulfilled. I might be overthinking everything and I just need to relax. There's also a chance that I need to actually do something creative that takes time and I have to commit to, and by not doing those things (writing, filming) I'm dancing around what I want to do with filler activities I don't care about. 

I don't know. 

I also hit 219 pounds, which is the heaviest I've been in 2019. I think I was in the 220s after losing my job in 2018, but that was some well funded depression happening there. I've momentarily righted the ship, but I'm just disappointed. I have a tropical vacation in a month and wanted to be in the best shape ever for it. Instead, the best I can hope for is probably very similar to before I gained this extra weight. 

I'm not tying my value to my weight or fat shaming myself or anything like that. I worked really hard in the gym and pretty consistent on my diet for quite a while, and to fall back into addictive behavior right before a photo heavy trip just feels bad. This isn't someone else shaming me into wanting something-- these were goals that I set for myself. 

I talked to Dayna last night and put into words something that I think was pretty valuable to note, at least for me. I said that when you cave to the food addiction cravings, the payoff is immediate. You feel so loose, relaxed and things are just easy. I think I said you feel like a liquid.

When you make the decision to defy cravings and stay strong, the feeling is actually bleak at the time. Hours later you can feel glad that you did it, but it's softer. It isn't that dopamine smash, it's quiet and not as impactful. It's harder. But knowing that's what I need is helpful. I think.