Jack's Year

It was Valentine's and we made fancy nachos. They were alright. The breakfast burritos the next day were vastly superior to anything else we had, and we really ate a lot. I knew I wasn't enjoying it, but couldn't seem to stop.

Part of it was water. I do a great job staying really hydrated at work. At home things couldn't be more polar opposite. Never drink water, and I also avoid my typical keto foods of protein bars, eggs and bacon, nuts and ice drinks because I'm in a different mode all together.

Let's just learn from this, and that's why I feel like I don't need to be a downer. I know what to do. I'm motivated. I'm healthy. Even Dayna is on board. I've got this. 

When I'm at work in a meeting, I'm thinking about being at home with my family. When I'm with my family, I'm thinking of when my kids go to bed so I can have some time to myself. That time to myself leaves me desperately bored and unfulfilled. I might be overthinking everything and I just need to relax. There's also a chance that I need to actually do something creative that takes time and I have to commit to, and by not doing those things (writing, filming) I'm dancing around what I want to do with filler activities I don't care about. 

I don't know. 

I also hit 219 pounds, which is the heaviest I've been in 2019. I think I was in the 220s after losing my job in 2018, but that was some well funded depression happening there. I've momentarily righted the ship, but I'm just disappointed. I have a tropical vacation in a month and wanted to be in the best shape ever for it. Instead, the best I can hope for is probably very similar to before I gained this extra weight. 

I'm not tying my value to my weight or fat shaming myself or anything like that. I worked really hard in the gym and pretty consistent on my diet for quite a while, and to fall back into addictive behavior right before a photo heavy trip just feels bad. This isn't someone else shaming me into wanting something-- these were goals that I set for myself. 

I talked to Dayna last night and put into words something that I think was pretty valuable to note, at least for me. I said that when you cave to the food addiction cravings, the payoff is immediate. You feel so loose, relaxed and things are just easy. I think I said you feel like a liquid.

When you make the decision to defy cravings and stay strong, the feeling is actually bleak at the time. Hours later you can feel glad that you did it, but it's softer. It isn't that dopamine smash, it's quiet and not as impactful. It's harder. But knowing that's what I need is helpful. I think. 

Taking a break is a lie that your brain comes up with. You do keto for a week or two, you drop some pounds, look and feel better, your clothes fit comfortably, and you feel real satisfaction about the progress you've made. Then you think to yourself, "I deserve a break." 

This trick works because we're addicted. The concept of a break is when you've had to work late for a few weeks and you take a Friday off to rest, or when you've been working out and are sore and so you take one day off to do some stretching and recover. This lie doesn't hold up to scrutiny very well at all. You're taking a break from success? From losing the weight you wanted to? From feeling happier?

I'm not advocating that you need to do keto every waking moment of your life. In fact, I think the reality you've learned about yourself is that you can't be trusted to administer moderation regarding carbs. If you plan an indulgence meal of carbs-- and I think you should actually plan it-- that means that you are an adult choosing what to do with your life. It also means that you know your limitations and promise to do keto immediately after.

My recent weakness has basically stemmed completely from an inability to do this. I do keto, lose the pounds, then have a meal. But then I tell myself that my body is out of ketosis, so I may as well indulge for the rest of the day and into the night. However, come morning, there is still food I shouldn't eat in the house, and I pick at it. Now I know my body is out of ketosis, so I may as well indulge for the rest of the day and into the night. 

I make jokes about this, but it's a problem. I want to weigh 190 pounds. For the last 6 months, I have rubber banded between 210 and 196, losing easily 250 pounds in that span. Now there could be some amazing second half to this story, like "it's because I'm a food critic for a living and have been travelling from New York, Paris and Rome, experiencing the world's greatest culinary masterpieces! It's been so worth it!"

It's been McDonald's. It's been Oreo's and chips. It's been crap that I haven't enjoyed 95% of the time. I mean, McDonald's screws up orders pretty consistently. I'm not hungry, I'm addicted.

To summarize, I deserve a break. A break from gaining weight that took time to lose. A break from guilt. A break from the disappointment of progress that is completely undone. 

I'm excited to commit and to see my goals realized, instead of breaking them.